And just when I thought NBC’s Phenomenon was bad.

I don’t know how it slipped my radar, but A&E has recently premiered their new show Paranormal State, where a band of college kids get to light candles and pretend to do to science (or, at least, their version of it). Click the link above, if you dare, to be taken to the show’s official website, full of gritty fonts and pictures of the kids squinting at the camera or generally looking mysterious.

As always when it comes to so-called ghost-hunters, not much else needs to be said. With funding from A&E, the “Paranormal” kids get to travel from creaky house to creaky house, lighting candles and flipping out whenever they hear the slightest innocuous sound. As far as ghost-hunters go, (and I have met quite a few in Niagara Falls and Toronto), these guys are amongst the worst, almost to the point that I’m convinced that a couple of them know it’s all bullcrap.

Now, normally, ghost-hunters are harmless, wasting only their own time and not that of others. Sadly, that isn’t the case with these kids. Rather than photograph a few lens flares, declare success and move on, they instead occupy a family’s home, and, rather despicably, insist that they’re being haunted. The first episode, for example, includes the team convincing Matthew, a young boy, that he’s being haunted by the spirit of a dead boy named Timmy who’s after him. In an obvious sign that they’re just feeding this nonsense to Matthew and not vice versa, they ask Matthew where he’s seen Timmy before. Matthew takes them downstairs, followed by this exchange:

Matthew: (Points) Right here.
Asshole: Right there?
Matthew: Yes.
Asshole: By the furnace?
Matthew: Yes.
Asshole: Right now, or some other time?
Matthew: (Thinks) Now.
(Suspenseful Music)

Simply enough, they’re implanting the fantasy into Matthew’s head. By asking him if Timmy is there now or only at some other time, he’s in fact telling Matthew that Timmy is there by offering him a more compelling occurrence. This is precisely how ghost-hunters obtain anecdotal evidence from their victims; by feeding them with their own answers. In the end, these exchanges are merely a shared fantasy between both parties. It becomes especially easy for the assholes to do their job when dealing with children, for obvious reasons.

And so, rather than recommend that Matthew should seek counselling by a licensed therapist, they continue to prance around Matthew’s imagination. By 3AM at night, which the leader of the group touts is “the most active time in the spirit world,” they all light candles in a circle and wait for something to happen. Forty (yes, forty) minutes later, a gust of wind pushes against a nearby window, leading the group to believe they have an evil ghost in their presence. Why? Because they heard heavy breathing, which, while in a room with five other people in the dark, cannot possibly be explained. They briefly split up, until the leader realizes that the ghost wants them to split up, because it’s evil! Finally, they meet outside to see if their video cameras caught any clever evil ghosts, but come up with nothing.

The next day, they say a prayer (as would any scientist), leave Matthew with some holy water (in case he starts seeing vampires, too) and declare victory.

Summary: Don’t watch Paranormal State.